Win My Textbook

abap.jpgToday I started the professional baking program at the San Francisco Baking Institute. For the next six months, I will spend six hours a day allowing the good and talented people there to mix, ferment, shape, proof, and bake me into the best baker I can be. I will be drilled on dough, tutored on tarts, coached on chocolate, lectured on lamination, guided on gateaux. (Yes, that’s right. I am paying good money to be forced to bake a cake. And they are breaking out the ice skates in Hades.)

Now if you’re anything like me, you may be thinking, how nice for you, Susan, but what is in this for me?

What’s in it for you is a chance to win my textbook. Because I already own a copy of the excellent Advanced Bread and Pastry by Michel Suas (SFBI’s founder and president, by the way), my first-day-of-school-issue copy is up for grabs.

Interested? Of course you are. If you live in the US (sorry, my international friends, but this thing is damn heavy and I’m springing for the shipping), leave a joke here in the comments by 11:59 PM on Friday, September 18. I’m asking for a joke because I will need something to laugh about after springing for the shipping on this book.

Post a comment » 109 Comments

  1. Woo-hoo. I would love a copy of that one. And good luck to you in the baking program. You’re gonna rock!

    OK. A joke.

    Did you hear the one about the corduroy pillows?
    They’re making headlines.

    Get it? Headlines!


    Hope the lameness of the joke does not DQ me from the contest.


  2. Hello Susan

    Good luck in your program…
    your blog inspires me . I learned from you to make my sourdough starter and bake wonderful breads (I sell them at the markets) Sorry that I never participated in the Yeast Spotting yet… maybe when I finish from the Farmer’s Markets I will…

    I have something special for you on my blog.. please check it.

  3. Would love a copy of this very heavy book. It can double as a cookbook and a fly swatter.

    My joke:
    A guy walks into a bar. He says ‘ouch’.

    It’s the best I’ve got.

  4. I’m looking forward to hearing about some of the things you learn on your blog!

    My sad contribution:
    What’s green, fuzzy, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

    A pool table.

  5. In lieu of a joke, I will just direct you to this site:

    It always makes me laugh no matter what.

  6. What did the Art Institute grad say to the San Francisco Baking Institute grad….. Yes Chef!
    Lame, yes I know, but I need a great bread book! Thanks for all of your posts!

  7. I envy you the opportunity to go to the SFBI. I wanna go too! Unfortunately, that requires money, a commodity severely lacking in my household. Good luck!

    My joke: How do you get a reluctant husband to do chores? Tell him the dust bunnies have developed intelligence and will soon start stealing his beer.

  8. OK. Here’s a bread joke:

    What kind of bread do elves make their sandwiches with?

    Shortbread of course ;o)

    If I win you don’t have to pay for shipping–I can pick it up!

    P.S. Are you giving up on the healthcare field??? Or just taking a break?

  9. Ah, if only SFBI weren’t on the opposite coast! But, as one can never have too many books, into the hat with my name!

    As for my joke, well, I suppose it’s for a certain audience, but I’ll go with a quip from Bierce’s The Devil’s Dictionary:

    DAWN, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it.

    P.S. Shipping books is usually pretty cheap with USPS Media Mail, if you don’t have to wait in line to send it.

  10. Why can’t the sesame seed leave the casino?
    Because he’s on a roll!

    I love your site!!

  11. When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

    I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

    I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

    I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, “Praise the Lord,” “Amen,” and “Glory!” I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.

    When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, “I never saw anything like that before and I’ve been putting in septic systems for twenty years.”

  12. What did the fish say when it swam into a cement wall?


    What a great adventure you are going to have. I am still giddy from a grand English muffin making success over the weekend. It was one of those pure surprise cooking experiences. I was not really sure what I was expecting them to turn out like, but I plopped the dough on the griddle and after a few minutes I flipped it only to realized they really look like English muffins! They even tasted like English muffins. It was thrilling.

  13. What is black, white and read/red all over? A newspaper.

    Hey! You didn’t say it had to be an original and funny joke! haha :D

  14. All the best to you Susan. Have fun.

    Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

    A: When the kids leave home.

  15. My goodness. YOU are going to baking school? I assumed you yould be TEACHING there! I can’t imagine what fabulousness you’ll be producing by the time you graduate.
    No joke here, I live abroad… sigh.

  16. Hell, hades, no, just blood, (knicks on your fingers), Sweat, (kitchens and bakeries are hot!) Tears, from the joy of making some excellent products….but then having to walk off the weight from all the tasting you will do, no worries you got the walking bit down already!!!!

    P.S. Already got the book, but another autographed copy would be nice, missed Michel and didn’t bring my book to SF on my visit, I envy you, wish I could take the course myself, round myself completely!!!

  17. Dear Susan ~
    As someone who moved from being a college professor in the humanities to national speaker on the prevention of Alzheimer’s disease, I understand how major professional transitions can be both exciting and scary, and definitely full of surprises. Congratulations on your big leap. Your nursing expertise will forever enrich your wonderful bread-making talents. And you are an inspiration to those who, in these tough economic times, can’t imagine branching out into a brand new field. Thanks for embodying a spirit of culinary curiosity and adventure that has helped us to explore bread-making beyond our wildest dreams. Best wishes on your new journey.

  18. Q. Why did the student eat his homework?
    A. ‘Cause the teacher told him it was a piece of cake!
    (It seemed appropriate.)

  19. My children are stuck on the following joke, and say it at least once a day:

    Knock, knock.
    Who’s there.
    Orange who?
    Orange you glad I did not say banana.

    It is at this point that I tell them, again, that you are supposed to say banana several times first, so that the joke makes sense. Being 4 and 6, they don’t get the idea of comic timing yet.

  20. In the interest of living up to my engineering background, a quick one that my friends used to justify why their major (mechanical engineering) was better than others -

    Why is mechanical engineering better than civil engineering?
    Mechanical engineers build weapons.
    Civil engineers build targets.


  21. A little bread humpr for ya?

    One day there was a duck at the bar and he asked if he could get some bread and the bartender said he didn’t have any but the duck asked again and he said no got any bread.
    Got any bread.
    Got bread.
    Don’t you get it no spells no and if you don’t shut up i’ll nail your beak to the bar.
    Got any nails.
    Got any bread

  22. Don’t know any jokes, but would love this book.

  23. Good luck…I tried once before for this great book…
    have fun with the class….
    no joke but a food quote…

    “This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn’t say how far to separate them.” — Gracie Allen

  24. Oh how exciting. What a fun way to spend your day!!!

    What did the female mushroom say about the male mushroom?

    He’s a real fun guy [fungi].

    Lame, I know.

  25. A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing. =D

  26. Because I’m a huge Sherlock Holmes fan—

    Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

    Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

    “I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

    “And what do you deduce from that?”

    Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

    Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

    Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

    Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

    Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

    But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

    Holmes is silent for a moment.

    “Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

  27. Per my 7 year old daughter at the dinner table last night…
    “What do you call a bunny that tells jokes?”

    …..A Funny Bunny!!!:)

  28. My husband would kill me for saying this, but how do you make a tissue dance?

    Put a little boogie in it!

    Cheese ball, I know…

  29. I would love to win a copy of that book.

    A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see the blonde behind the wheel was knitting.

    Realizing she was oblivious to his flashing light and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “Pull over!”

    “No!” the blonde yelled back, “It’s a scarf!”

    My friend the knitter sent this to me last week, and I thought I would share.

  30. Have some fun with the program!

    Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. ‘I got a cook book once’, said the first, ‘but I could never do anything with it.’

    ‘Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?’ asked the second. ‘You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way – ‘Take a clean dish and…’

  31. I agree with others, I would expect YOU to be teaching.
    This blog is so inspiration but I swear I’ve gained 15 lbs. just reading it. I too am jealous of your new adventure. Enjoy !

    Joke- You know you are drinking too much coffee when you can thread a sewing machine….while it’s running !

  32. A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. “There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five.” “Fifty five?” says Saint Peter. “No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two.” “How’s you get that?” the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: “We added up your time sheets.”

    yukka yukka
    good luck in school!!!!
    hope i win :)


  33. Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin says to the other, “Man it’s hot in here.” The other muffin goes “Oh my god, a talking muffin!”

    Everyone’s favorite joke. :)

    Congrats on starting the professional baking program at the San Francisco Baking Institute! You will rock it

  34. How exciting! I read about that program on their website a while back, and, oh my. You going to be one talented lady when you are through (beyond the crazy bread talent you already have!). I can’t wait to hear/see how it goes.

    This is my mom’s favorite joke.

    “Who’s there?”


    “Cantelope who?”

    “Cantelope tonight, Dad’s got the car!”

  35. Oooh!! I would love to win the book – and could also arrange to pick it up, saving you considerable shipping expense. but you asked for a joke, not a bribe..

    Here’s my favorite joke from back when I was maybe 6 or 7 – and I still remember it!

    Q: what do you call Batman and Robin after they were run over by a steamroller?
    A: Flatman and Ribbon!

    Sadly, my humor has only marginally improved over the past $#% years…

    Good luck with the dreaded cake – I am also contemplating taking a class, just because fear of cake sounds so pathetic (though it is tragically real).

  36. Congratulations! I can’t wait to read about all the goodies that you’ll be creating.

    A panda walks into a bakery and orders a loaf of sourdough. He eats it on the spot, then shoots the clerk and heads out the door. The baker runs out from the back and yells, “Hey! You can’t leave! You shot my clerk and didn’t pay for your bread!” The panda replies, “Of course I can. I’m a panda. Look it up.”

    The baker does a quick online search and finds the following definition for panda: A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin with black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

  37. what did the shore say to the tide when it came in?

    long time no sea!

  38. Congrats and good luck with the program…I’m sure we’ll all benefit from your hard work! :)
    I’d love this book and would happily pay for this shipping too!

    So a duck walks in to a bar and has a seat. The bartender looks at him a little funny and the duck asks, “hey barkeep, got any grapes?”. The barkeep laughs and says “no duck, we don’t have any grapes”.
    The duck goes home sad but comes back the next day, sits at the bar and asks “Hey barkeep, got any grapes??” The bartender, slightly annoyed, answers “no duck, still no grapes”.
    Duck goes home sad but comes back the next day, has a seat, and asks “Hey barkeep, got any grapes??” The bartender, now angry, says “Look, I’ve told you already that we don’t have grapes. Come back tomorrow asking for grapes and I’ll nail your beak to my bar!”.
    The duck, a little taken aback, goes home but undeterred comes back the next day, takes a seat and asks “hey barkeep…got any nails??” The barkeep, confused, says “um, no” to which the duck quickly says “then you got any grapes?!?”

  39. Good luck at SFBI! What an exciting adventure – I’m incredibly jealous :)

    After hearing this joke on a cartoon:
    How do ducks learn how to fly? They just wing it.

    This was my daughters first original joke:
    How do dogs go camping? They just ruff it.

  40. No joke – just a sincere Congrats! Will you be putting your day job aside for the time being? Or doubling up? Either way sounds tough.

    All the best, Susan – Break a leg.

  41. Ooh, how fun! I just moved into a new apartment, and I can’t wait to start baking again with my new gas oven!

    How many punk rockers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    3: one to do it, one to kick the chair out from underneath him, and the third to laugh and say how punk it was.

    I’m more of a pun girl, myself. ^_^

  42. There are two muffins in an oven.
    Muffin One: “Wow! It is hot in here!”
    Muffin Two: “Wow! A talking muffin!”

    Congrats and Cheers!

  43. dont have any joke, but glad to know u r going to this program. Im really interested for this one also but maybe next year, still think between SFBI, CIA, FCI and etc.

    but i love bread and pastry, it seems like SFBI is really have good reputation.

    Keep on updating ur blog bout the class, i will be really appreciated ur hard work! thanks for sharing:)

  44. oooh bread and pastry = heaven!

    so excited for you!!
    (yes, i’m a lurker and you haven’t actually heard from me before ;) )

    my splendid joke:

    what is the difference between an introverted and an extroverted mathematician?

    the extroverted one will stare at your shoes!

    heehee… somehow i find this hilarious :>

  45. I know this is awful, but…

    Why do cattle like to do math?

    Because they’re so good at COWculus and geoMOOtry!

    good luck in school!!

  46. Haha cute idea :)

    A Panda walks into a restaurant and orders the special of the day.
    He eats the food, gets up and shoots the waitress dead. The Hostess
    runs over to the Panda and says, “What did you do that for?”
    The Panda then says,”Look up ‘Panda” in the dictionary,
    and you will see…”

    And with that, the Panda walked out of the restaurant.

    The hostess then rushes to a dictionary, looks up ‘Panda’ and
    reads…”Panda, n., mammal, eats shoots and leaves.”

  47. Congratulations Susan! Wish you a super fun 6 month bake! :)
    Nerdy Math joke:
    Why did the sunbather commit a sin
    cos he wanted a tan :D
    Lame joke:
    What will quentin tarantino be called if he gets the swine flu?
    Quarantine Tarantino! :|

  48. A woman, on an airplane, is returning to home to the East Coast from California when the man next to her strikes up a conversation: He asks her where she is going and she said; back home to NY after visiting my daughter in ValleyJOE. Laughing he said, you can tell you are not from here…. you pronounce the “J”s as “H”s in California. How long were you able to visit with your daughter? She said HUNE and HULY

    Have a GREAT time training

  49. I read your blog religiously, but, I am a first time poster – thank you for this opportunity!

    I have a riddle for you instead of a joke…though it is best said aloud!

    Q: What is red, and white, and “red” all over?
    A: A newspaper!

  50. Here’s a good one:

    Q: What did the fish say when it bumped its head against something hard.

    A: Dam(n)

  51. A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He kept favoring curry. :lol:

    Congratulations on getting back to school. I don’t believe anything you just said, you’ll love every minute of it!

    If you are not too exhausted to share with us, we’ll love it because we’ll get to see what you are learning!

  52. An old man is lying on his death bed when he begins to smells the scent of his favorite home-made cookies wafting up the stairs. He suddenly rises from his bed, and starts to make his way down the stairs, only to see hundreds of his favorite cookies laid out on the kitchen table. The man eagerly takes one, still warm from the pan. As he takes a bite of his favorite treat, life starts to flow back through his veins and he immediately starts feeling better than he ever felt, before! Suddenly there is a sharp stinging tap on his hand. He looks up to see his wife who frowns then scolds him, “Don’t eat those, they’re for the funeral.”

  53. Good luck at SFBI!! I am extremely jealous.

    Here’s an oldie but goodie from when I was in first grade…

    Why was 6 afraid of 7?
    Because 7 8 9!!

  54. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

    Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

    Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

    Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Doug and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

    Sorry Susan, it was the yeast I could do. Enjoy your classes!

  55. Wishing you all the best for SFO endeavor and I would love to win this book.. so here is joke:

    How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.


  56. I just celebrated my birthday this weekend – and every single gift I received was a cookbook! Haha. THIS one would be drool worthy though! Boy oh boy I’d love to get this in the mail!

    I’m a big mitch hedberg fan… so here’s some lines to make you laugh…

    A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

    I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.

    This shirt is dry clean only. Which means… it’s dirty.

    I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

  57. Ya know, Hell does freeze over every winter.

    Hell, Michigan, that is.}:P

    Yes, there really is a Hell, Michigan and I’m not just talking about the state in the dead of winter, although, that’d be pretty darn close to it if you hate snow after growing up with it for 18 yrs, then not dealing with it for the next 18 yrs, but I digress.

    True story- we were driving to Michigan for Thanksgiving a few years back. Sunny, clear skies in Indiana, beautiful driving weather.

    Cross the state line into Michigan, and it instantly starts snowing. The hubby said it did that just for him.

    He also believes that Michiganders spray paint the snow green in spring and summer, and multi colored in Fall, cause, you know, it’s winter year round there.

    Sorry, he’s all mine.

  58. it’s an old joke, but…

    Recipe for Fruitcake


    1 cup water
    1 cup sugar
    4 large eggs
    2 cup dried fruit
    1 teaspoon baking soda
    1 teaspoon salt
    1 cup brown sugar
    lemon juice
    1 gallon whiskey

    Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.

    Pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl.

    Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

    Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares. Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

    Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again. Go to bed.

    enjoy your course–i’m jealous! :)

  59. First of all congrats Susan! I’ve been looking at their program too as a career change. =) As for cakes… there’s always Sourdough Chocolate Cake (with Espresso Frosting)… almost makes up for it not being bread.

    As for my joke…

    How can you tell when a blonde has been baking chocolate chip cookies? There’s M&M shells all over the floor.

    All the best!

  60. All I can think of is a limerick I wrote for a poetry class.

    All the men in my house pass gas
    It sounds like the bugling of brass
    Our mom fed us beans
    So wind’s in our jeans
    But it’s mom who they try to surpass

    It’s all I got off the top of my head.

  61. Where does the general keep his armies?
    In his sleevies!

    Ho, boy!

  62. What did the baker do when his store got caught on fire?

    He got his buns outta there!

  63. Here is the first joke I ever learned when I was six. I think it came from a bazooka bubble gum wrapper or a cracker jack box.

    Q: What did one Queen Bee say to the other Queen Bee?

    A: None of your beeswax.

  64. Why did the baker hurl an insult at the bread?

    To get a rise out of it.

    From one baker to another…I’m jealous that you get to be doing this…what a great giveaway~

  65. Your book looks wonderful…….I’ve gotten back into bread baking after a 20 year vacation. Now for a joke which I’m lousy at jokes but here goes….

    How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
    Unique Up On It.


  66. “Never criticize a man until you have a walked a mile in his shoes–because then if he does not like the criticism, you are a mile away and you have is shoes.”

    OK jokes are not my strong suit but I’d love the book. :) God luck in your course!

  67. A mushroom walks into a bar.

    The bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind here.”

    The mushroom says, “Why not? I’m a fungi!”

    Get it? Fungi? “Fun-Guy!!”

    Okay, lame? Probably. Did you laugh? I’ll bet you did. ;O)

    Good luck with baking school! I am JEALOUS and can’t wait to mooch off some of your lessons-learned.

  68. A book for a joke? I’m down with that.

    Two snakes are talking.
    One of them turns to the other and asks, “Are we venomous?”
    The other replays, “Yes,why?…”
    “I just bit ma lip.”

  69. This is my kind of humor –
    A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
    B: Ok
    A: A white horse fell in the mud.

    And for the snail fans –
    A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there’s a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman “What did you do that for?”

    Good luck at SFBI! It sounds amazing!

  70. WOW lucky you – I wish I were going!!!

    So there are these two old guys, one 80 and one 87, sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

    The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath.

    The 80 year old was amazed at his friend’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

    The 87 year old said, “Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”

    So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
    He said, “Do you have any Italian bread?”

    She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?”

    He said, “I want 5 loaves.”
    She said, “My goodness, 5 loaves …. by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it’ll be hard.”

    He replied, “Would you look at this. Everyone in the neighborhood knows about this bread but me!”

    Have fun!

  71. 8. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

    9. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

  72. oops I am not sure what happened to the rest on my comment

    first of all congrats to you-enjoy yourself
    my joke was the advantages of being a woman

    1. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we’re aware that we look like an idiot.

    2. We got off the Titanic first.

    3. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

    4. We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

    5. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

    6. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
    7. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

  73. Can you send stuff to Romania?!?! Even if not… here’s a joke for you.

    There was a man stranded on a desert island for months when one day, he spotted a beautiful woman emerging from the ocean in a wet suit.

    He approached her to see if he was hallucinating and as he got closer she began to unzip the top of her wetsuit. She asked the man,”Do you want a smoke?”
    Confused but excited he said, “Golly, yes!” and she pulled out a cigar.

    She continued to unzip her wetsuit when she asked, “Do you want a drink?”
    The man, half-unbelieving of what was happening to him, replied with an eager, “YES!” at which point she pulled out a bottle of whisky.

    Reaching for her zipper she continued to unzip it a bit and asked, “Do you want to play around?”

    The man, with cigar in his mouth and whisky in hand replied, “NO WAY! You’re telling me you’ve got golf-clubs in there too!?!?!”

  74. Susan, I thought it was interesting the “forced to bake a cake” – I wonder if it comes with us sharing a Birthday? I cannot bake a cake to save my life, and the idea of doing it in a class sends shivers up my spine. I am cake challenged by definition! Good luck for you!

    ok, here is my joke, hope you haven’t heard it yet….

    No need to send the book to me by FedEx, ok? :-)


    Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.

    Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.

    He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn’t paid for them.

    Helloooo,………….just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid.

    So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year, “that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!” Hellooooo? It’s been a year! I told him.

    There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.

    He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

  75. Joke:
    Q:Why did the one-handed man cross the road?

    A: To go to the second hand shop.

    I thought it was funny, but my husband did not. Hope it makes you chuckle. Wishing you an awesome experience, I am jealous!

  76. Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?
    A: Someone who is up all night, wondering if there’s a dog.

    Have fun at SFBI!

  77. I just found your site this morning, and I am in heaven! I’m just learning to make my own bread, and I would LOVE that book – here’s a food joke for you:

    A waitress is explaining to a guest in the restaurant that the specialty of the day is calf tongue in beautiful port wine sauce. The guest shakes his head and says, “I don’t want anything that comes from an animal’s mouth, just give me some eggs.”

  78. Best of luck on your baking adventure. I’m jealous.

    Here’s a fruitcake recipe that might come in handy:

    1 C water
    1 C sugar
    4 large eggs
    2 C dried fruit
    1 tsp. baking soda
    1 tsp. salt
    1 C brown sugar
    Lemon juice
    1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey

    1. Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
    2. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
    3. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
    4. Turn on the electric mixer; beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
    5. Add one tsp. sugar and beat again.
    6. Be sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup.
    7. Turn off the mixer.
    8. Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
    9. Mix on the turner.
    10. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
    11. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
    12. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares.
    13. Check the whiskey.
    14. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
    15. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
    16. Grease the oven.
    17. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
    18. Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
    19. Throw the bowl out the window.
    20. Check the whiskey again. Go to bed.

    Who likes fruitcake anyway?

  79. I love your Blog.

    What do you call a cow with no legs.

    Ground Beef.

    What do you call a cow with two legs.

    Lean Ground Beef.

  80. So this guy goes into a psychiatrists office with a baguette sticking out of one ear, a carrot coming out of the other, and a few peas up his nose. He tells the doctor he’s not feeling very well, and the doctor says, “Well, first off, you’re not eating right!”

    Good luck with the classes! I get my new stand mixer in the mail friday, so I hope to work a bit off of your site. Thanks for all the good reads :)

  81. Thanks for the give-away Susan. I’ve just recently stumbled upon your site and look forward to digging deeper!
    A joke… hmmm…

    Why did the lazy man want a job in a bakery?
    So he could loaf around.
    (I tried to find a bready joke for you!)

  82. good luck! i would love to win … so, i’ll play! cheers!

    Why did the tomato blush?
    Because it saw the salad dressing.

  83. Not so good at jokes, but that book is a good incentive! Hope this gives you a smile after a long day of baking.

    Am older husband and wife were driving to Geyserville where thye used to live. The wife was hard of hearing and kept asking the husband what he said. It was driving the husband batty.
    They stopped for gas in Healdsburg at a full service gas station. the guy attendant who came out was an old geezer, too.
    He came over and asked how he could help them. The wife said,”What did he say, what did he say?”
    The husband said, “He wants to know how he can help us.”
    The attendant asked if they wanted premium or regular gas.
    The wife said,”What did he say, what did he say?” Her husband told her that the guy wanted to know what kind of gas they wanted.
    The husband got out of the car. He had gotten tired of his wife. He went over and talked to the attendant who asked where they were headed. The husband said “Geyserville” and the attedant said that he used to date a lot of girls from there and that they were terrible in bed.
    They husband got back in the car and the wife immediately said,”What did he say, what did he say?” The husband said, “He thinks he knows you”.

  84. Heh. Some people should read the comments before they repost jokes… I’m surprised at the number of repeats actually.

    Ok, mine’s sort of tasteless, but it makes me giggle.

    What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

    You can unscrew a lightbulb.

    I’m jealous of your class! Have fun!

  85. Okay, here’s my favorite joke:

    Q: What’s brown and sticky?
    A: A stick!

    Maybe I should have warned you that I’m a bit dorky! ;-)

    I’m a long-time lurker but your site has really helped me with my bread baking. Thanks for sharing all your baking insights and good luck on your class!

  86. Great news. That means we’ll be getting bits and pieces of wonderful advice. I hope you have the best of times. I know I will, from afar.

  87. I have the book, so this isn’t a submission for it, just a hearty congratulations, and to say that I know EXACTLY how you feel about cakes!

  88. Best wishes Susan for a wonderful time in the class. I know you will be sharing tips with the rest of us bread-bakers who live in the hinterlands & have no chance of taking the class ourselves.

    One can never have too many cookbooks, so I would welcome this one to my bookcase with floury hands!

  89. I heard this first in Jr. High (no, I am not going to say how long ago that was) and it is still my favorite joke.

    Three priests – one was very young, one had been a priest of about 20 years, and one was near retirement age – were going by train to a conference in Pittsburgh. When they got to the train station, the two older priests sent the youngest one in to buy the tickets. They told him to make sure he got the change in nickels and dimes so that they could give money to any beggars they met on the way to the conference.

    When the young priest got to the ticket window, he saw that the sales lady was very well endowed and had a very low cut shirt on. He stammered “I’d like three pickets to tittsburgh…” Realizing what he said, he ran out of the station to the other two priests, and said “Fathers, this is too great a responsibility for a new priests. One of you must buy them.”

    The middle aged priest went in to the ticket window all the time muttering about the short comings of the younger generation of priests. When he got to the window, he said, “I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nipples and dimes…” Realizing what he said, he ran out and told the older priest that their young brother was right, and really someone with more experience was needed to buy the tickets.

    The old priest went into the station questioning in his mind the caliber of the younger priests. He got to the ticket calendar and said “I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And young lady, if you don’t change the way you dress, when you get to heaven St. Finger is going to shake is Peter at you.”

  90. Congratulations, Susan! Sounds like a wonderful opportunity. I am awful with jokes, but I did find this one online:

    What kind of bread do elves make their sandwiches with?


  91. In which month the largest number o babies is born?
    In 9th.

    How to kill this joke? – answer: September.

  92. Two political candidates were having a hot debate. Finally, one of them jumps up and yelled at the other, ‘What about the powerful interest that controls you?”

    And the other guy screamed back, “Leave my wife out of this.”

  93. A woman rubs a lamp and out pops a genie. “My beautiful lady, for releasing me I will grant you one wish,” said the genie. “See this cat,” asks the woman, “I’d rather have a strong, handsome man.” The genie agrees and –poof–the cat turns into a Brad Pitt look-alike. The woman leaps into his lap and asks “Is there anything to say before we make love?” “Yes,” the man says, “I bet you wish you hadn’t had me neutered last week.”

  94. I just had to find a joke that included bread. But I didn’t knoe any. So don’t blame me for the joke, it’s Goole’s joke!

    A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt [or general lack thereof] and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

    “Id like some raisin bread please”, the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be.

    Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he’s having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices whats going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

    After many trips she’s tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself!

    Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, “Is yours raisin too?”

    “No,” croaks the old man “… But its startin to twitch.”

  95. A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender looks at him and asks him what was up with the paper towel. The pirate replies “Arrr, I’ve got a bounty on me head.”

    love the site

  96. I would love your book.

    Mine is actually something my five year old said…

    My five year old kept telling her sister that we were going to Alyssa’s sister’s graduation party. She kept saying it over and over and my nine year old was fed up with her and said, it is not Alyssa’s sister, it is her step sister. The five year old turned to me with a very serious look and said, “She’s mean???” LOL!!!!

    I think she has watched too much Cinderella!!

  97. How often when they find a sage
    As sweet as Socrates or Plato
    They hand him hemlock for his wage
    Or bake him like a sweet potato!

    Attributed to Don Marquis, and featured in MFK Fisher’s “How to Cook a Wolf”.

    Good Luck! I know you’ll enjoy great weather.

  98. The best of luck to you!! I am a bit jealous I must say, but at least I already have that beauitful book.

  99. I don’t have a joke. I’m sorry.

    I wish you luck, you are doing something I would love to do!

  100. Good luck with your course! Enjoy!

    I need that book! I’m way out in the boonies – but I live very close to the post office! This is my bread oven:


  101. Why did the cross-eyed teacher quite his job?
    Because he couldn’t control his pupils.

    Love your blog and good luck!

  102. Actually, it’s MIL’s Hopi/Pueblo stone & clay bread oven in the back yard that’s in need of a fresh coat of clay to get it back up to baking par. Most houses out here have regularly-used bread and various other outdoor ovens. Serious bakers and roasters.

  103. I only know off color jokes and those requireing hand gestures for the punch line. But I’ll give it a shot.

    The following has been adjusted for profession. I’m a teacher. Adjust as you wish to suit yourself or your audience.

    A teacher died and went to heaven. There she was met at the pearly gates by none other than St. Peter himself. She was smiled at, and waved at by passing angels. Peter asked her if she’d like to see her accommodations. She replied “Yes, thank you.” He escorted her to a lovely condo overlooking Pearly Gate square. Inside it was completely and luxuriously furnished. The closet was full of designer clothing that all fit perfectly. And there were dozens of shoes in her closet that didn’t pinch at all. The refrigerator was fully stocked, as was the pantry. Every high end appliance and high end pot, pan, dish and utensil you could want was in the kitchen. The windows were draped with silk. The teacher was amazed and thanked Peter. He said “It’s the least we can do for your years of selfless dedication and a lifetime of sacrifice.”

    The teacher was absolutely thrilled.

    A few days later she noticed a hubbub out in the square. Angels were buffing and polishing. Hedges were clipped, sidewalks were swept and a red carpet was being rolled out. The teacher was sure the Pope had died.

    She went down to find out what was going on. She asked a passing angel what all of the preparations were for. He said they were expecting a school administrator”.

    The teacher’s face fell. She couldn’t help but look disappointed. She blurted out “I really appreciate everything that’s been done for me, but I can’t believe you’re going through all of this for a school administrator!”

    The angel replied “Don’t worry dear. We’re going all out because we just don’t get that many up here.”

  104. Okay. Here’s one that I’ve cleaned up as well as I can.

    Surgeons were talking amongst themselves in the doctor’s lounge of a large hospital. They were discussing what patients they preferred to operate on.

    One surgeon said, he preferred the Germans. When you opened them up everything was neat and organized and labeled; “pancreas”, “lungs”, “stomach”.

    The next surgeon said he loved the Japanese best because they were color-coded; red to red, blue to blue, green to green.

    The last surgeon said he preferred to work on San Francisco Baking Institute instructors (adjusted just for you). When asked why he said “no brains, no stomach, no heart, no guts and the mouth and a**h**e are interchangeable.

  105. What do you call a dog with no legs?

    It doesn’t matter, he won’t come anyway.

  106. What do you call a rabbit that works in a bakery?

    Why, its a Yeaster Bunny!

  107. A young man is at the airport picking up his mother-in-law who is in for a surprise visit. “So, how are you planning to stay?” he asks. “Well, how long are you willing to put up with me?” replies the old lady. “What do you mean, you won’t even stay for dinner?” says son-in-law.

    Best of luck!

  108. ok-this is not a joke but a funny thing that happened in yeast bread class.
    we are always in a mad scramble to get all of our required items mixed, proofed & baked on time. Three of us were working on one table and somehow the cream cheese measurement got mixed iup with my butter for cinnamon rolls. The dough looked fine, it proofed OK, but when we took it out of the oven..they were flatter and did not have great texture……..however, they were the best tasting of the lot! I wouldnt recommend substituing cream cheese for butter…I woke up in the middle of the night remembering what went wrong…I havent told the instructor yet.

  109. [...] stuff if you’re a science geek like me (although I am pretty envious of those who are taking intensive baking courses at SFBI!) but nothing about bread. Where is the bread? I’ve been baking erratically and now the [...]

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