Google Eyes

The following open letter to Google may contain objectionable adult content. Reader discretion is advised.

Dear Google,

Thank you. You have lifted a veil from my eyes, and made me see what a truly loose woman I have apparently become.

When I discovered that not one, not two, but all of my photos are censored from Image Search with SafeSearch enabled, I admit I was baffled at first. All along I wanted this to be, and thought it was, a family blog. My mother reads it, and so do my kids. Now that I see, with your wise and perspicacious guidance, the lasciviousness I have so foolishly and publicly permitted myself to exhibit, I don’t know how I’ll be able to look them in the eye again. Never mind go to PTA meetings. And God help me if I ever decide to run for public office.

Like I said, I was baffled at first. But then, after a good night’s sleep (and I do mean sleep in the “not awake” sense, just to be clear), I sat down to take a look at my blog through fresh, objective eyes — through Google eyes, if you will — and I must say I was shocked at what I saw. The more I looked, the more lewdness I found. Oh, the shame!

Sure, at first glance this may appear to be an innocuous shot of brioches à tête…

… but look again with Google eyes, and it turns out I’m not quite the little innocent I thought I was:

Then there’s this one. What was I thinking?

And the photos are just the tip of the iceberg. Oh yes, there’s so much more of which I am guilty! I post buns, tarts, and cheesecake. I have been known to reference naked mole rats, issue an invitation to kiss my ciabatta, and link to Chefs Gone Wild. I score almost every day, sometimes half a dozen times or more. My sourdough starter is mature, and my oven is hot, steamy, and turned on for hours at a stretch.

Honestly, I didn’t mean to let things get out of hand like this. I really don’t know what happened. I suppose it all started with a couche or two and it was just a slippery-slidey slope from there.

I’d like to say that now that I see the error of my ways, I’ll repent and clean up my act, but I have a feeling it’s too late for me. The truth is, although I blush to even think it, I’m strangely drawn to all this wickedness I never realized I had.

So I guess I won’t be showing up in Safe Image Search any time soon. But hey, no hard feelings, OK Google? Just to show we’re still friends, you’re welcome to drop on over any time and bite my miche.

Hugs and kisses (XXX),

Susan

CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Sally says

    This is hilarious!

    loved your letter… bite my miche indeed!

    I better go check some vegetarian blogs – I remember a few horseradishes that would leave your brioches in the dust

    :-)

  2. Oerjan from Sweden says

    Love Your posting
    Thanks.
    By the way, I also love your sesame flat bred.
    Have baked plenty of times.
    Works fine even without a pasta roller.

  3. says

    Oh no! I feel so guilty now. Am I responsible? :-)
    I must say your brioches ‘a tête’ look kind of dirty though. Haha.
    This is the funniest post I’ve read in a while. Go get them! :-)

  4. StickBoy says

    This is officially my most favorite post yet. I have definitely enjoyed the recipes and instructions on reading percentages, but this is by far my favorite. Excellent humor! Thank you.

  5. says

    OMG, Susan. Thanks so much for this post. I couldn’t help but laugh. It’s bread, not racey naked skin, although it IS gorgeous food p*rn I’ll give you that. Google needs to relax and have some brioche. Good post!

  6. says

    v amusing – makes me think of discussions in Australia about the government threatening to filter all the ‘bad’ sites – the people claiming (quite rightly) that the filters are quite unsatisfactory could use this blog as evidence!

  7. says

    Oh my goodness!!! Many thanks for this warning, Susan. And I suppose this will have to be goodbye too. What a shame. I was so enjoying the posts before being shown the lurid red light cast over everything here.

  8. says

    OMG so funny! The little brioches do have a little bit of a sensual appeal though ;-) Maybe Goog is just trying to keep the bread perverts out there at bay…

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