Google Eyes

The following open letter to Google may contain objectionable adult content. Reader discretion is advised.

Dear Google,

Thank you. You have lifted a veil from my eyes, and made me see what a truly loose woman I have apparently become.

When I discovered that not one, not two, but all of my photos are censored from Image Search with SafeSearch enabled, I admit I was baffled at first. All along I wanted this to be, and thought it was, a family blog. My mother reads it, and so do my kids. Now that I see, with your wise and perspicacious guidance, the lasciviousness I have so foolishly and publicly permitted myself to exhibit, I don’t know how I’ll be able to look them in the eye again. Never mind go to PTA meetings. And God help me if I ever decide to run for public office.

Like I said, I was baffled at first. But then, after a good night’s sleep (and I do mean sleep in the “not awake” sense, just to be clear), I sat down to take a look at my blog through fresh, objective eyes — through Google eyes, if you will — and I must say I was shocked at what I saw. The more I looked, the more lewdness I found. Oh, the shame!

Sure, at first glance this may appear to be an innocuous shot of brioches à tête…

… but look again with Google eyes, and it turns out I’m not quite the little innocent I thought I was:

Then there’s this one. What was I thinking?

And the photos are just the tip of the iceberg. Oh yes, there’s so much more of which I am guilty! I post buns, tarts, and cheesecake. I have been known to reference naked mole rats, issue an invitation to kiss my ciabatta, and link to Chefs Gone Wild. I score almost every day, sometimes half a dozen times or more. My sourdough starter is mature, and my oven is hot, steamy, and turned on for hours at a stretch.

Honestly, I didn’t mean to let things get out of hand like this. I really don’t know what happened. I suppose it all started with a couche or two and it was just a slippery-slidey slope from there.

I’d like to say that now that I see the error of my ways, I’ll repent and clean up my act, but I have a feeling it’s too late for me. The truth is, although I blush to even think it, I’m strangely drawn to all this wickedness I never realized I had.

So I guess I won’t be showing up in Safe Image Search any time soon. But hey, no hard feelings, OK Google? Just to show we’re still friends, you’re welcome to drop on over any time and bite my miche.

Hugs and kisses (XXX),

Susan

Post a comment » 41 Comments

  1. Ahh the joys of computers making decisions… I greatly appreciate your sense of humor!

  2. This is just so funny, you crack me up!!!

  3. LOL….. Welcome to the overall stupidity. Cannot believe what you told us. Tx for the laughts

  4. You made me laugh… especially when I saw your similar post titles, great letter, great fun! (hope Mr. G will see the error of his ways soon)

  5. What can one expect with robotic checks!!

  6. Wow you had me going there for second and the brioche, so Susan!

  7. The world, computer and humans . . . this is just the best Susan!
    Wonderful.

  8. This is hilarious!

    loved your letter… bite my miche indeed!

    I better go check some vegetarian blogs – I remember a few horseradishes that would leave your brioches in the dust

    :-)

  9. I love the suggestive brioches. I almost want to try to replicate them! Your letter is so funny! :)

  10. This letter is fabulous…I will never look at a brioche the same way again. Too funny!

  11. Oh Susan that is so funny, you’ve just made me laugh out loud in the middle of my workplace. Just the thing to brighten to my day :)

  12. You go girl! Your a riot!!

  13. So so funny. Ah the joys love living in a censored time.

  14. Hysterical! That’s a great letter. :)

  15. LOL, you are truly hilarious, Susan.

  16. Love Your posting
    Thanks.
    By the way, I also love your sesame flat bred.
    Have baked plenty of times.
    Works fine even without a pasta roller.

  17. It’s the three kisses that crack me up :)

    Hilarious!

  18. LOL.

    Well-written and too, too hilarious. I love your particular brand of food p*rn. ;)

  19. Snicker, snort, hoot, wipe eyes. Oh Gosh! No wonder I love your blog so much. Good Grief Google. Please oh please keep posting your wonderful photos. And someone needs to clue Google in.
    Linda

  20. LMAO too funny, especially the “tettes”. H a ah hhhaaa
    THis was too funny.

  21. That was the best post on Google stupid and often enigmatic censoring ways that I have read in a while! You go lady!

  22. :D , :D , ;D!
    Just thought I’d tell you I almost fell off my chair reading this.

  23. ROFL! :D

  24. oh goodness i’m laughing to hard!! hysterical!

  25. For shame….I don’t think I will ever look at freshly baked buns the same way.
    This made my day.

  26. Oh no! I feel so guilty now. Am I responsible? :-)
    I must say your brioches ‘a tête’ look kind of dirty though. Haha.
    This is the funniest post I’ve read in a while. Go get them! :-)

  27. This is so funny! I can’t stop laughing:))))

  28. You know the Zen Chef has something, those brioche look like they went toppless in the oven ;D

  29. I love this! :)

  30. Haha nice :) They need some actual people behind those computers at Google. The brioche is looking chilly over there.

  31. What wild, wanton women we food bloggers are! Aptly shows the “wisdom” of automated programs.

  32. This is officially my most favorite post yet. I have definitely enjoyed the recipes and instructions on reading percentages, but this is by far my favorite. Excellent humor! Thank you.

  33. OMG, Susan. Thanks so much for this post. I couldn’t help but laugh. It’s bread, not racey naked skin, although it IS gorgeous food p*rn I’ll give you that. Google needs to relax and have some brioche. Good post!

  34. v amusing – makes me think of discussions in Australia about the government threatening to filter all the ‘bad’ sites – the people claiming (quite rightly) that the filters are quite unsatisfactory could use this blog as evidence!

  35. Hehe this is hilarious. A fun read.

  36. OMG…that is so funny..it actually happened haan. Amazing.

  37. Oh my goodness!!! Many thanks for this warning, Susan. And I suppose this will have to be goodbye too. What a shame. I was so enjoying the posts before being shown the lurid red light cast over everything here.

  38. [...] I have the strangest feeling these will get censored by Google. It does happen, you know. [...]

  39. Yikes!XXXXXXXXX

  40. OMG so funny! The little brioches do have a little bit of a sensual appeal though ;-) Maybe Goog is just trying to keep the bread perverts out there at bay…

  41. Hahaha!!

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